So, Now?

Now, I am getting back to normal, there just isn't anything else to do. I still find I like to have a series of distractions to keep me from reminiscing. It's a bit harder right now because L still has the physical pain of the D & E to deal with. She is mostly fine, but by the end of each day, she wears out and she gets cramps.

Sports and Abba, that has been the focus for a bit. Things that are fun without being particularly thought-provoking, that's what I like right now. Fortunately the absurdist comedy that is the Browns' season is completely lacking in any sort of tension. Will they win, this week? That's not really a question at this point. Abba has been a favorite for ear candy for a while, but my father took me to "Mamma Mia!" last week, so now I have a bevy of catchy tunes stuck in my head rather than pesky deep thoughts.

It doesn't always work, but it helps.

It is weird, I keep telling myself that I didn't lose anyone, really, I lost the possibility of someone. It's just that telling myself that doesn't really help. I was looking forward with delight to another 18 years of parenting just as much as I had looked forward to the plans we had in place before the pregnancy. Knowing now that we can go back to those plans helps, it helps a little more each day. Whatever happens, I expect L and I to have a wonderful life together.

Will we try again for another baby? Probably not. We have reached the age where we had always planned to exit our baby-having years, and we are still thrilled to look forward to our lives together. Our grief tells us differently, but we had good reasons for making our plans as we did and we see that this is probably not a great time to make huge changes to those plans.

Family, close and extended, has been a huge comfort through this time. I have been blessed in my life to never have to go through any adversity alone. Except, of course, being the only person in the whole world who could possibly understand me from ages 12 - 18. Though, that probably doesn't count.